How to recognize a controlling relationship

(NC) For many teens, figuring out what a healthy relationship looks like isn’t easy, especially when they’re just starting to explore dating and friendships. Without much experience to draw from, it can be hard to tell the difference between care and control, respect and pressure. Parents, guardians, and trusted adults all need to know how to recognize the signs of a controlling relationship, and how to intervene safely when it’s needed.

Identifying coercive and controlling behaviours

Coercive control can show up in many ways and is a form of gender-based violence (GBV) that youth and young adults can face in intimate relationships. It’s a type of abuse rooted in controlling, manipulative and fear-instilling behaviours.

There are four common types of coercive controlling behaviours which include possessive behaviours, psychological abuse, sexual jealousy and stalking. This may look like a partner making threats, breaking personal belongings, isolating someone from family and friends or monitoring where they go and who they talk to. They may even threaten self-harm to pressure victims or survivors to comply and maintain power over them.

The dangers of gaslighting

One particularly harmful tactic of coercive control and frequent type of GBV is gaslighting. Gaslighting makes someone doubt their own memory, perception or sense of reality. For example, a partner might deny their abusive actions, blame the victim for things they didn’t do or twist events so the victim questions their own judgement. Over time, gaslighting erodes confidence, instills doubt and makes it harder to leave relationships.

What you can do to help

It’s important to be able to recognize when something isn’t right. Look for signs like isolation, emotional manipulation and controlling acts, such as a victim has being made to give up autonomy over their phone, money or social life.

If a young person confides in you, the best things you can do is listen, believe them, label the behaviour for what it is and remind them that it’s not their fault. This can help them connect with resources to support their safety and well-being.

Everyone deserves healthy relationships without abuse or control. You can learn more and find resources to support the youth in your life at canada.ca/itsnotjust.